Monday, 26 October 2009


The cheek of these people! 

How dare they play with my childhood like this! If you were born around the same time as me, you also would have been captivated by the motion picture which we call 'The Lion King'. The amazing story, unforgettable characters, powerful ballads...Epic stuff!

I was on my way home with some friends the other day, and we started to reminisce on our soon going childhood.We sang enough Disney songs until we reached the ones in The Lion King. When we reached Stanmore train station, for some reason, we started to guess what each character's nationality was. For example, you would have characters like Zazu (the bird) who had a strong British accent, and then you would have some-one like Pumbaa, who sounds like he just came from down-town chicago.

We eventually came to our senses and said 'the film is based in Africa..SO DUUUUH...they must all be African'. But no-one speaks in an african accent in that film, except for...

Then it hit me...

Why is it that out of all the animals, you chose the monkey to speak in an african accent...a monkey!

The cheek of these people...

More is to come about this
Stay locked


Monday, 19 October 2009


The Half term holiday of a seven year old. Some children enjoy their week in their local park, laughing the days away. Some parents take their children to the cinema to watch the latest Disney flick. What did my mother do for me in the Half Term? Send me to my Grandmother’s. Where the sound of the Bill Gather Quartet & Everly Brothers stream through the passage ways, and where everything has Vaseline randomly splashed on it. Do not get me wrong though, I loved every moment of it. In the mornings, I would pull out my Playstation and spend hours on Tekken 3, stuffing my face with ready salted Walkers crisps and banana ice lollies. As entertaining as the morning was, it would never compare to when the clocks reached:
We had CITV and CBBC, notorious for entertaining me throughout my childhood. I could probably recite to you the entire Pokemon theme song backwards. I even know CITV’s competition number.
090 11 10 50 10
(Oh nine Oh Double one Ten Fifty...TEN)

There was however, a particular point in my childhood where CBBC completely disrespected my exisistance. It was a cold,winter half term. I was sitting on my bed, feasting on my banana ice lollies, where the television presenter began to talk about a competition.

The challenge was to draw a plant that resembled a cartoon character (shown on CBBC). The presenters promised that they would show each entry on the television. By the end of the week, the most interesting plant was to get a prize (which must have been some videos or something). I immediately grabbed my pencil case and paper scraps. I skilfully drew my plant which was based on The Mask (I was a BIG Jim Carrey fan back then). Three hours later, laid before me was a complete masterpiece, which probably looked something like this:

I showed my mum and begged her to send it off to the BBC. First Class. The next day, I sat in front of my Television set, waiting for my picture to appear. I saw nearly hundreds of badly drawn pictures given compliments from the presenters. 'I wonder what they are going to say about mines them' I thought to myself 'I guess they are saving the best till last'. They never showed my picture that day.

I showed my mum and begged her to send it off to the BBC. First Class. The next day, I sat in front of my Television set, waiting for my picture to appear. I saw practically hundreds of badly drawn pictures given compliments from the presenters. 'I wonder what they are going to say about mine then.' I thought to myself 'I guess they are saving the best ‘till last'. They never showed my picture that day.

The next day, I sat in front of my television with slight impatience. CBBC ran as normal. Straight after Hey Arthur, came the part where they show more badly drawn pictures (excluding mine of course). A hundred more pictures are shown, and mine was nowhere to be seen. Then the presenter said it:

' We appreciate you sending in your drawings guys. We are now down to our last picture. This one is based on The Mask. I have it right here in my pocket [taps pocket]. Speaking of The mask... take a look at this....' [Fade Out]

They then showed an episode of The Mask. By this time, I wasn't feeling to watch any more cartoons; I just wanted to see my image on the screen...
But they never showed it.
And that is why I will always hate them.
My children are going to be watching Nickelodeon.

As I grow up, I still wonder why they never showed my drawing.
.Is it because I is black?
I seriously had no clue.
And I’m sure I only folded the paper once to make it fit into the envelope... How did it get in your pocket?
CBBC doesn’t like me...
So I don't like them.
But it’s okay, they can keep their Blue Peter badges.
SmART was a joke...I was watching Art Attack.
...And who REALLY cared about Newsround?
You get props for Live & kicking but...
I preferred SMTV Live.

CBBC gets shown NO love From me.

Monday, 12 October 2009


Rated PG: The following material may offend...but who cares right?

Guys you know how it goes step into the barbers, looking to get a fresh trim - an event is coming up and you need to look on point. Okay so your in the barbers now, look around and find out all your usual barbers are busy...yes peoples, today on I HATE MONDAYS, I am going to be talking about...

They come in two forms:
1. A frail skinny man/boy/teenager with cainrows..They might even have that barber coat (you know, that white long one) to assure you that they are fresh.

2. A white/ Arabian teenager (no disrespect to race) with a new era cap glued to his head...Ever so often answering his phone while cutting your hair. Talking to his 'gyal' when in actuality there is no-one on the other end of the line...It's T-Mobile - and no, she is not on a 'linking ting'.

I just can't afford to be butchered by these newbies. I refuse to sacrifice my shape-up to you, yet alone my money. Understand the seriousness of getting a shape-up wrong. You can get laughed at for a very long time; by friends, associates, even by your own mother (if its that bad). I have nothing against these new barbers, I just don't trust them.

The Barber & Me
Written by Andre Anderson
When you know a barber, you know a barber. You trust him with your life. He may cut you a couple of times, and the clippers maybe a bit too sharp, but it's okay....Because he is your Barber & you are his Baberette.
[No Homo]

You need to 'throw them lines' when your shaping up my head. The last time I got a shape up, this new kid was being all sensitive with my head piece - stroking my hairline with the say this is some pampering session. You don't stoke ones head piece with clippers, do you know what that can do to your head?

Allow me to explain
New barbers have what we call a 23 degree touchdown. The Technique is explained in this diagram.

The barber slowly moves his clippers in a 23 degree angle to obtain the desired effect.

This seems to be a craze amongst new barbers, seeing that it has been used by all the new barbers I have come across. All I have to say is, if you visit your local barbers and see an unfamiliar face, no matter what you ask for, be sure that they are going to throw in a 23 degree touchdown as a bonus.

I have nothing against you guys, but I would like it if you practice at home before you experimented on my head. Shave your Cat or something...I don't know, practice on your your grandpups whiles he's watching Countdown. Please just practice, because what you are doing to my head-line is violating my Human Rights. It won't be long before every man in London has a shape-up like this:

...Not my head piece

Thursday, 8 October 2009

National Poetry Day - No Vacancies

If you were not aware..I would like to inform you that it is NATIONAL POETRY DAY today!
It is the time when people take time out to...say poems I guess...
So i did just that
I write this one a while ago..
I hold it dear to my heart and I meant every word
This poem is called


Do you have any vacancies?
Do you have any space for a jobless person like me?
Maybe I smiled for too long or I was too quick to pull out a CV
But I feel you are not telling the Gospel truth when you say 'no more vacancies'
Especially when I see four empty tills right next to you
'Apply online' she said.
'Call this number' she said.
It all draws out the process of me getting into the position that you’re in.
I know you do not want my CV
I know this because you have had this job for 5 months now
So that gives me five months extra to write better material than the little white lies you splashed on your page..
You lie.
I know you lie.
I know this because I am pretty sure you mentioned something along the lines of
“I am a considerate and helpful person”
Whether it was on your CV or at the interview
I proved your one page Fib nib wrong when I asked for vacancies and you said “no”
If you were THAT considerate, you could have at least taken my CV and tell your manager that there is a person that can fill ONE of those FOUR empty tills
Or hey, you can give me your job, 
'generous person'
Because you weren't being too 'sociable' with your 'yes and no' answers and dismissive attitude. 
Picking clothes up from a rack and slamming it down on a till as if you’re not getting paid just to stand there.
You seem upset?
Where is that jolly person you wrote about in your CV, you happy person?
I swiped my oyster twice, taking away £1.75 just to come here
And you with your inconsiderate attitude
Not considering that I have spent money (with no job) to get here
Have now declined my offer. 
This I find highly insulting.
So what I am going to do is walk out the shop,
walk back in 
and ask you politely...
“Do you have any vacancies?”

Monday, 5 October 2009


Children do the funniest things!

‘Oww! Charlie bit me!’. What a memorable catchphrase, it’s cute right? What about a little toddler rocking a black bandanna with sagging jeans reciting 2Pac lyrics; pretty sweet huh? Oh…I got one! How about a fully grown woman whining on a small child?...These kids are so cute…they do the cutest things!

The last blog ended with a question ‘where are our elders?’. Maybe I am just an old man trapped in a seventeen year olds body, but my idea on ‘adulthood’ was growing up, with occasional words of wisdom from those looking over you, whether it be a father, a mother, older brother or sister. Generations come and go, leaving something remarkable behind, but one had seemed to arise, having nothing to offer.

 Fathers are not present in the homes and mothers are too busy dealing with their own issues that the life of the child goes unnoticed. The child, being full of wonder, has questions to why they are here, trying to find out their purpose on this earth. The mother looks at her son, and does not see that innocent child full of wonder, but just another fully grown adult, capable of accepting the issues and struggles of adulthood.

This is the exact reason why you would see videos posted of small children whining on each other, spreading like wild fire via Facebook…we laugh at it…we enjoy it, not realising that videos of small children whining on each other is verging to child porn, and enjoying it is borderline paedophilia…or did I take it too far?

The innocence of a child is robbed for the sake of entertainment. A so called ‘proud mother’ shows pride by showing her work colleagues, clips of her son smoking cigarettes…What’s going on? Children are exposed to the issues of life through television, the internet, even in their own homes…

Now we have adults aged 11

That’s why knifes are brought to primary schools, underage sex and teenage pregnancy. The children cannot be helped when the parents are lost themselves. What is going to happen to the next generations? How do we stop this vicious cycle? Because it’s frightening when you look in the eyes of a 5 year old, having nothing to say to them - no fairy tales, no fables about the tooth fairy or Santa clause; because they are officially adults and have grown out that stage, probably going through the same thing as you.

I HATE SCHOOLKIDS…Hmm not really, because you can never really be angry in the behaviour or a child (they only demonstrate what is exposed to them)…I am just sick of the lack of leadership we have in our homes today.

Where have the elders gone?
…we want our parents back!